Thursday, February 09, 2006

Grateful for an (extra)ordinary life

December, 2005

Kymberle - 36
Maricopa, AZ
2 Girls - (12) and(2)

Today was a beautiful day. A friend mentioned how much he envies my weekly vacations. I never thought of being at home as a vacation; laundry, homework, carpool. I imagine to him and others, being able to flee the workplace could be envisioned as a get-away. Some days I feel guilty for not accomplishing anything other than making sure the girls made it to their appropriate destinations and resting. It feels like so much time is wasted. On the other hand, much needed sleep is gotten. I wouldn't need so much if I didn't grind so hard Thursday through Saturday. It’s time to make some Decisions.

I miss my girls terribly when I'm in Pasadena. Skye will be a teenager soon. S
he needs me close. I want to be close. Savannah is growing so fast. She's so smart. And they are so different! The girls are both on winter holiday. Skye left for California this morning. I pray for her safety and hope she enjoys herself immensely. I love her so much...I don't think she even realizes. She's in a very awkward stage, which is difficult for both of us. I'm trying to be more patient. I want her to feel safe, confident, and comfortable with herself and our relationship. I wish she would open up more.
I will continue to pray for guidance and her covering. Thank You Lord for blessing me with two beautiful, healthy daughters. Thank you Lord for keeping them safe. I pray for constant spiritual covering; safety from harms way. Lord, keep them close to you first, and each other always. Instill in them a desire to serve you O Lord and teach them to walk in your will. Bless our home. These things I ask in your son's name. Amen.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

something from my blue heart

July 7, 1999

"Sara" - 23
Long Island, NY
4 children - 1 boy (3), 3 babies (unborn)

When you mourn the loss of loved ones what you are really doing is mourning your loss, pain, grief, confusion.

My babies.

Each of them comforts my soul and provides it with a kind of peace. They guard me against self contempt. When I want to scream my tears, they touch my eyes lightly; still the pulsing ache in my chest. They know that I am sorry. I do not need to confess it with words. They know me and I am glad. The procedures never took them from me. I used to wonder why I never felt great regret or guilt and it is because not having them in the physical form is my lesson to self-examine and grow. But my babies are always here; in the breeze, in the sound of rustling leaves and born children’s smiles. They encourage me to speak and be truthful and fair, to myself and to them. Their purpose is continued without the diapers, the tears, the welfare, the fear. They are still my children, helping me grow, learn, love, live, just like I promised I would for me and for them. And “Eli” watches with them. He is my one joy, manifested.

*Names have been changed at this mother's request.

In her own words

February 5, 2006

Tomorrow -34
Alta Loma, CA
1 daughter (8)

I'll never forget the special moment it clicked; when I realized what being a mom was all about. It had been a year since my uncle passed away and Hunter, at five, would always ask me “Do you think uncle is happy in heaven?” My reply was always yes. Then once, following this question she asked something else; something I would never forget. “Mommy if I were to die, can I choose you again?” The bewildered look on my face must have prompted her to ask the question again. I could tell this wasn't a joke but instead an innocent question that only a child could ask. I didn't really know how to answer so I replied, "What do you mean?" And my daughter said these words to me: “Mommy when I was in Heaven I saw you and I told the angels that I choose you to be my mom. So, if I were to die could I choose you again?”

I had to be very careful with my response because I am no longer married to her father. "Hunter,” I said, “I think you should plan on sticking around for as long as you can because you couldn’t choose daddy again."

“Okay mommy,” She said with a smile, “that's a deal.” And as she turned to walk away I heard her say, “I'm glad I chose you.”

And I'm glad she chose me to.

Photo provided by ©Karen Walrond 2005