something from my blue heart
July 7, 1999
"Sara" - 23
Long Island, NY
4 children - 1 boy (3), 3 babies (unborn)
When you mourn the loss of loved ones what you are really doing is mourning your loss, pain, grief, confusion.
Each of them comforts my soul and provides it with a kind of peace. They guard me against self contempt. When I want to scream my tears, they touch my eyes lightly; still the pulsing ache in my chest. They know that I am sorry. I do not need to confess it with words. They know me and I am glad. The procedures never took them from me. I used to wonder why I never felt great regret or guilt and it is because not having them in the physical form is my lesson to self-examine and grow. But my babies are always here; in the breeze, in the sound of rustling leaves and born children’s smiles. They encourage me to speak and be truthful and fair, to myself and to them. Their purpose is continued without the diapers, the tears, the welfare, the fear. They are still my children, helping me grow, learn, love, live, just like I promised I would for me and for them. And “Eli” watches with them. He is my one joy, manifested.
*Names have been changed at this mother's request.