Thursday, February 02, 2006

Black Girl Swagger


February 2, 2006

Britni - 25
Los Angeles, CA
1 child - Boy (3 mo)

there is no finger-popping here. no rolling of the neck nor eyes. but becoming a mommy has definitely had some interesting side-affects: a shot of self-confidence.

i have always been a “thick” girl. as a young girl, having a womanish body meant being looked at by men before i was ready to deal with their stares. so i hid. my high school uniform; baggy jeans, a sony walkman, and enough sarcasm to cut you deep. it worked. i wasn’t bothered, I was respected (ok, maybe feared) which kept the nonsense at bay. but strangely enough it also kept away the attention that I craved—the love of a partner to share my innermost thoughts. fast forward.

two years into a committed relationship, i find out i’m pregnant. once I came to grips with having a baby and fully embracing it, I started to notice that I allowed myself to be comfortable in my own skin. being pregnant in the summer in Brooklyn will force anyone to shed a few layers of clothing. and there I was. showing off parts of my pregnant body, that I would have never shown off before. odd isn’t it? when a lot of women are drowning in maternity tents, trying to hide their burgeoning bellies, I was trying to show mine off (and make it look bigger). my arms, which I have always hid, found themselves seeing the sunshine (in public) for the first time. even now, my son is three months old and although i’m not pleased with my jelly belly, i am more at ease in my skin. my head rides a little higher on my shoulders and my walk has a little bit more movement in the hips. perhaps it is because i now know i have the strength to endure an amazing amount of pain and produce something more beautiful than any poem i could write. my son is my badge of honor: perfect, beautiful, precious, a blessing.

and it shows.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish for my old, smaller body back; for my marriage more than for me. I am happy you found beauty in this body change.

2:00 PM  
Blogger upwords said...

I have always felt this, that raw, tall, baby power. Now after, many, many babies, I may have had my last. When I see pregnant women with their heads down, I always talk to them and to their babies too. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

3:56 PM  
Anonymous Jasai said...

"Raw, tall, baby power" is something that I have only until now, understood at my core. Thank you for giving perfect words to this powereful state.

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I see you sands!

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