Monday, July 17, 2006

meditations of a weary mama's heart


Jasai - 31
Los Angeles, CA
2 Children - 1 boy (11), 1 girl (5)


beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places. beautiful things are often born from dark places.



If I can just keep saying this to myself I will make it though the summer and sooner than I can lose my wits, my son will be back home with me.

22 Comments:

Blogger bombsoverbaghdad said...

J,

You need a vacation. Some meditation.

12:08 PM  
Anonymous jasai said...

I do. Yet I can't move and I can't sit still.

12:24 PM  
Blogger the prisoner's wife said...

J...step away from the chalk board & stop writing standards.

i know you are a bit nervous about your son being away, but it is all for a good reason. he will grow. maybe his father has grown (maybe not), but in the end, your son will be thankful you let him go & make up his own mind. he is a smart boy. he loves you. don't worry yourself you death.

2:54 PM  
Anonymous jasai said...

Is that what this sick churning is in my stomach - me worring myself to death???

I should definately stop doing that then. But how I say?? HOW?!!!

3:42 PM  
Blogger Aly Cat 121 said...

As much as I say "I'ma send you with your aunt for the summer" I wonder if I'd feel the same way if my babies went with relatives for 3 months?

3:45 PM  
Anonymous jasai said...

It is SO hard, compounded by the fact that there is so much angry, raging water under the parenting bridge between his father and me.

The honest truth is, I both want my son to really know who his father is (an honest and fair knowledge) so that he does not have to live with the consequences of understanding him only as a fantasy, an image that he carries around like shiny, prize marbles.

But I believe that ultimately that truth is going to sting and hurt my baby like no other kind of pain.

so what's a mama to do....

4:12 PM  
Blogger the prisoner's wife said...

mama is to let go & allow him to see his dad for who he is.

you can't run around and shield him forever (no matter how much we'd like to).

at the end of the day he has to be the one to make the choice, to see his dad for who he is or continue to hold a wish and a prayer in his pocket for sad days. whatever keeps him going is what he will cling to. as much as you might like to bring him back to safety, he can only reach his destination in life by being exactly where he is now. he can only become the man you have brought him up to be by learning how to deal with & go through some pain. pain signals growth & growth is a beautiful thing.

now...put the pen down. go run up and dowm some stairs somewhere. chill with my niece & breathe.

4:50 PM  
Blogger Ms. A said...

I heard this before and hope it is of some consolation : If there was no darkness, we would not appreciate the light.
I can only suggest this:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7
Do your best, Give your worries to God and leave them there...sometimes we take them back-that's when we get into trouble.

7:30 PM  
Blogger bombsoverbaghdad said...

J,

Many great men have been born of weak fathers. Your son will learn the lessons you teach him, but only if you keep a cool head. If you appear irrational and angry, he will dismiss your opinions, either now or later. Teach him the truth and it will be evident to him.

Lastly, for yourself, meditation conquers ALL mental stress. You and I have talked about this. "Unthink" for about 5 minutes, 3 times per day. Give it a few weeks and you'll be fine.

9:26 AM  
Blogger cloudscome said...

I had to learn to make a separation between myself and my son's relationship with his father. For myself, forgive and let it go. For him, let it grow and be what they make it. Give it over to God.

And you are right, beautiful things are born from dark places. That is a meditaion mantra, but you need to focus on the light that gets through and lets it happen. Put your head back in the sunshine and just breath.

12:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's been said that "you don't have to talk about how dirty a glass is, just hold up a clean glass next to it." There is hope in those words for you, if you apply them to your situation.

When my parents divorced, I was 12 years old or so. I was angry with my mom for divorcing dad. I felt sorry for him because he was all alone and the rest of us had each other. My mom never said bad things about dad to us. She waited until we were adults and asked for more details and she was honest with us about the reasons she left him.

To this day, I have a good relationship with my father, but I would have left him, too (if I were my mother). As an adult, I see and know for a fact how triflin' he is. All of us (my siblings know it). I still love him, but I see all of his faults real clear. Mom never had to point them out.

5:37 PM  
Blogger Angie said...

When my daughter would go to visit her father and stepmother for summer break I would relish the opportunity to be baby-free for a few weeks, but there was also the underlying fear that they would "take her away from me". The contentious realtionship between her father, step mother and myself did not help the situation. So every summer I would worry and wonder....what are they telling her......how are they treating her....will she believe them.

I never made negative comments about her father or his wife in her presence. In fact, I prayed for them and kept on stepping. At the end of the day my daughter grew up and was able to clearly see everyone for who they are. That's the best that we can hope for. In the interim God will protect and guide us and our babies and we will be fine.

7:07 AM  
Anonymous schuschu said...

wow lil sister this is really deep to read this from you. but we both know just like the others that have commented that it only takes for aunties baby to keep growing up in knowledge & understanding and he will see the REAL BIG PICTURE but thanks be to God for this blog spot to express some frustation, confusion and excitement to a degree. I read the other comments and boy oh boy the analogy regarding the glass was definitely it. I remember so many days thinkin that my dad could do no wrong & boy was I shallow but too my mom never ever said anything derrogatory about him to me. Sit back and relax or come on out so we can go have a bite to eat drink & merry

12:29 PM  
Anonymous jasai said...

I am grateful to you all for the kind and wise words you have shared and the time you have spent doing it. The universe - the one that lives in us as well as the one we live in - is a complex and beautiful place, full of opportunites to become our highest self, to be brave and honest, no matter the situation.

I am happy in my heart that my son is home today. My love for him is deeper and his face seems even lovier than it was the last time I saw it. I appreciate the opportunity more than I ever knew I could before, to be his mother. For this, if for nothing else, I am glad we walked through this dense forest together. I found things which were lost and I hope he discovered some valuable things too.

Again, thank you all.

6:15 PM  
Anonymous schuschu said...

Auntie NuNu welcomes you home I love you

12:31 PM  
Blogger Trula said...

I am glad your son is back and also that he got to spend time with hsi father.

9:26 AM  
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